My Story

What is the meaning of life? Is it happiness, is it fulfillment? I have no clue what it really means. I guess to me, it means just living. I'm not the type of person that strives for real fulfillment, I just live. In a way that seems so depressing and I think that is why I am depressed. I never thought the way you look at life is the way you live it also. I think all the time how my life can be. If I finished my education, what if I waited on kids and how my life in Idaho would be different. Just because I think it doesn't mean my life is any different. I guess I don't have that gusto to make what I think actually happen. Reminds me of that Twilight Zone Episode where this boy can make anything he imagines come true. I suppose if everything you thought came true then it wouldn't be that cool and that's why its on the Twilight Zone. How would you be able to decipher what thoughts come true and what wouldn't?
So how is the action to better yourself come around? I would really like to know. I am a stay at home mom of four. I never finished college and would like to go back but that's one of those actions to better myself but I just don't, for some reason. That's one big disappointment in my life but how different would I be. I was going to school to become a Veterinarian but didn't get that far into it. I got some core classes out of the way but the rest got engulfed in my need to party. I always brag about my first year of college, of course because my second year didn't go that well. I got great grades and lived the normal college life. Lived in the dorms, went to class, ate in the cafeteria. Occasionally go out with my friends but even then I was somewhat bummed. I wasn't all that outgoing so I primarily stuck to my friends from high school and they weren't the type to go out and get in trouble. I guess that's why I did so well in school.
I had fun though. I loved school and yeah sometimes it was a pain to study but getting those good grades felt great. Eventually I started meeting people in my classes but not get close enough to hang out afterwards. I wish I was one of those people that just put themselves out there. I never have been, I always seem to over analyse and second think myself. I have low self esteem so I always feel as though why would they want to hang out with me and how boring I am, which then makes me seem awkward. So then in the end I just shut down and that's that, unless I meet that one person who just seems to talk and talk. I love these people since I don't have to say much and they do all the talking. I really suck at the small talk, I mean really horrible, to the point where its just embarrassing. So when I meet someone like my husband, who can talk about grass and make it seem like the most interesting topic in the world, I feel comfortable.
The first time I met him was in college. It wasn't the greatest story but its our story. We didn't meet in class or even on compass. We met through a mutual friend. Now this was during my second year in college, so we met through a mutual drinking buddy. How to even begin. I guess from the very beginning would make the most sense. By this time I moved out of the dorms and moved into my very first apartment with my sister. It was all about keg parties, hump day and friends. School for me at this point took a back burner to all this fun. I never had a life like this and it was fun. We met lots of people and had the coolest neighbors. This felt like college. My sister found some people who knew where all the parties were so we had a party to go to every night. Then she found the ultimate party girl and the parties started showing up at our house. So it was pretty crazy during those days.
I met this girl from another girl and she was really outgoing. Like I said that's the type of friends I like, so she started asking me to do things with her and her crew. I was underage at this time so it was hard for me to hang out with her all the time. They liked to go to bars and weren't into the house parties since they were older. I used my sister's ID,since she was 21 but I always thought we never looked that much alike. She was thinner and a lot prettier, but everyone said we looked alike anyway.
One night this friend called up and wanted to go bowling. I first said yes but then started worrying since my sister was working and I couldn't use her ID. By the time they showed up I didn't want to go so when they knocked on my door I didn't answer. Find out later it was my future husband knocking on my door. Then they went to my sister's job and asked her to call me. Pushy but it got me to go with them. We went to the bowling alley and that's my first meeting with my husband. He was drunk and wasn't the least interested in bowling. He was all about his drink and his cigarettes. Every time it was his turn we had to go find him and make him bowl. He would come over, grab a ball and without really looking just throw it down the alley. Before it could even touch the pins he was gone to smoke another cigarette. We knew how drunk he was when he threw the ball and it landed in the other lane next to us. Then the second throw he broke our alley. Not really sure how he managed that but we decided to leave by then.
We go back to our friend's house and continued to party there. Of course he was outside most of the time so I wasn't able to really talk to him. Then I wanted a cigarette and decided to ask him for one since it seems like he had a never ending pack. That guy smoked like a chimney. So I wander outside and ask him for one. He was nice and really outgoing. Loved to talk and we got along pretty good. So I sat out there with him and after awhile I started to get cold. Then he did what any other charming drunk guy does, offered me his jacket. I guess this is what got my attention, I mean the guy had to redeem himself since he made such a fool out of himself bowling. Somehow though he did end up coming home with me. I think the excuse was you walk me home and I would give him a ride to Spokane the next day. Spokane is may be a 2 hour drive and he was flying out the next morning. I figured since it was so late and I really wasn't looking forward to the walk back to my house alone. He lived maybe a block away so it would work out. I was pretty drunk myself so I didn't really think of how I was going to get up myself and at this point I wasn't really concerned with holding up my side of the bargain. So by the time we get to his room, I try ditching him there. He was not as drunk as I thought since he wouldn't let me leave, he knew if I left him there I wouldn't give him a ride in the morning. Well thats how he explained it later on and we've been together ever since.
He still is my best friend and we still get along pretty good. He is the only person that I feel really comfortable with and can be myself, well other than family.