The meaning of life... Fulfillment, love, happiness, family. When I think of these words I think they all do go together. I find them all in my life when I think of my family. I love my family and they mean the world to me. Maybe sometimes I regret having children at such a young age but at the same time I couldn't imagine not having them. I think sometimes I just want to run away and never look back but then at the end of the day I am so thankful for them. Running seems to be the big issue I have, especially with family. How does one actually leave their kids? Having kids of my own I can't understand it. I could never imagine being without my kids, let alone leaving them of my own free will.
Can you imagine as a young child wondering why your parents aren't raising you? I had two of the best Grandparents in the whole world who were there for me. They never let me forget that they always wanted us and loved us, that's my sister and I. My father left when I was very very young. Not sure how young but young enough where I can't remember a thing about him. My mother, well she never left permanently but she was just a visitor. I knew she was my mother but when it came down to it, I really loved my Grandma and she gave me everything my mother couldn't. When I needed that emotional support she was the one I wanted.
Growing up I was a problem child. I had anger issues and wasn't afraid to let them out. I was a BRAT and gave my poor Grandma hell. If I didn't get what I wanted then I screamed, hollered threw myself on the ground, I did the whole bit. Thinking about it now I am so thankful my kids aren't even a bit like me. No matter how frustrated my Grandma got, she always told me I love you and I want you. She always just held me and hugged me for hours until I calmed down. Yes there were times where she couldn't handle it and then that's where Grandpa came in. I was afraid of him, well him and the beaded belt. My Grandma would say wait until I tell your Grandpa. Then I would get even more crazy.Whatever I flipped out about was forgotten and a new fit started. Please don't tell him, I hate you, I love you, please don't tell him. One day it was really bad and my Grandma got in the van to drive to his work. I was so upset I jumped on the back of the van and held on the back end. She just kept going, very slowly though. Then halfway down the road one of the neighbors stopped us to tell her that I was on the back of the van and she said she knew. I think that was one of the few times she really took a switch to me. I could now just feel her embarrassment. Later that night I heard my Grandpa come in and he had the beaded belt. I thought I used to outsmart him by wearing two pairs of jeans to bed but no matter what it still hurt.
I remember this one time we went to Lewiston for the day. It was a hour drive away but we usually made a day trip out of it. We went to this store Big V and I saw this little light up yo yo. I wanted it to so bad and told my Grandma I wanted it. Of course she said no and then the big fit started. I threw myself on the ground and screamed and hollered. She finally got me out of the store and was trying to get me into the van. My Grandpa was there but he couldn't even get me to stop. I just screamed and hollered even more. Then we took off and about a block down we got pulled over. I guess someone in the parking lot thought they were trying to kidnap me and called the cops. Yeah that was pretty bad. Kind of the like the time I flipped out in San Francisco because I wanted this huge bag of ladybugs. Must have been thousands in this little netted bag and to this day I don't know what I was planning on doing with them. I guess just the thought of a million ladybugs in this bag was awesome. So I pretty much gave my grandparents hell growing up, but they were the best. They never told me they never wanted me, they just kind of took it and loved me.
My mother though, once I wore her out I was shipped back to my Grandparents. No matter what time of day it was though, they would be on the road coming to get me. Sometimes they would show up 4,5 in the morning and after I was all packed up we would head out and get some breakfast. Distance and time was never a factor to my grandparents. It hurts me to know that that's the biggest challenge for me. I wish I was more like them and could just drop my life and be there for them. I mean my Grandparents worked, had lives but they were always there for me, no matter what. I just recently lost my Grandma and the feelings from that I don't know if I will ever recover from it.
My Grandma had been sick on and off for the last 10 yrs, maybe even longer. When I turned 18 I left for college and after I dropped out I moved around with my boyfriend. Then about 5 years ago I moved to California, which is about 15 hours away driving. The last couple years were hard. My grandma had dementia but we never really knew how bad it was. Just Grandma didn't remember a lot of things and then eventually she got so bad that she needed round the clock help. She was in and out of hospitals and rehab centers. Eventually in the end she was placed in a nursing home. I had so much guilt over, should I move home so she can be home. That was the thing no matter how much she didn't remember, she always knew she wanted to go home. Then I got a call saying she had a seizer, later that day she was in a coma and then we were playing the waiting game. When and if she was going to wake up. I just remember sitting at home, full of fear and wishing I was home. Then things over the phone started getting confusing, i kept hearing conflicting stories and that was it. I decided to fly home and be with her, I was scared it would be one of the last times I saw her alive. I didn't want to wait for that phone call saying she already passed. So the day I arrive I found out she was being sent home. My sister and Grandfather made the decision to bring her home and let her spend her last days at home.
When I got there I was so nervous. They were checking her vitals and getting her cleaned up so I wasn't able to go in right away. Those five minutes were the longest time of my whole entire trip. I just wanted to go in and see her. When I went in she was just laying there. I was scared to see her like that and when I went up to say hi and kiss her she looked at me. I was so happy to see her awake. Then she was awake almost the whole entire night. She never really responded to anyone or talked. In the middle of the night though she woke up and started trying to say some things. I asked her if she was ok and she tried saying ok. It was so heartbreaking to see and hear her like that. She was awake though and I kept thinking maybe she would just recover like she usually did. They kept her in the hospital another day so we could moniter her progress but she never really recovered so we decided to bring her home like we wanted to. We knew once she was home this was it. She wasn't eating or drinking anything and once we took her off of her IV it was just a waiting game.
The day came and they were loading her off of the ambulance. That was the scariest moment because then that meant it was real. She was really going to die and it was going to happen soon. I just kept thinking she was going to recover and this was just a scary dream. Then we got her settled in and it was up to us to make her comfortable. My two sisters and my mom were there. Later on my other aunt and uncles came. We all slept in shifts and made sure someone was always with her. It was hard figuring out what to do and what actions we needed to take. All I can say is the stress and tension was something I never experienced before. I really needed my sisters through this and they helped me out so much. My younger sister though, wow she was something else. I heard bringing a loved home to die was one of the hardest things for a family and sometimes it can tear a family apart. I thought a few times there we were gonna start brawling it out but my sister she just had a way with her words. The prayers that were coming out of her, was like God speaking through her. She kept us together through the hardest and most difficult times. My older sister she had the strength. She was the one that made the decisions that we should bring her home. It must have been the scariest decision to make but she made it and we all backed her up.
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