The meaning of life... Fulfillment, love, happiness, family. When I think of these words I think they all do go together. I find them all in my life when I think of my family. I love my family and they mean the world to me. Maybe sometimes I regret having children at such a young age but at the same time I couldn't imagine not having them. I think sometimes I just want to run away and never look back but then at the end of the day I am so thankful for them. Running seems to be the big issue I have, especially with family. How does one actually leave their kids? Having kids of my own I can't understand it. I could never imagine being without my kids, let alone leaving them of my own free will.
Can you imagine as a young child wondering why your parents aren't raising you? I had two of the best Grandparents in the whole world who were there for me. They never let me forget that they always wanted us and loved us, that's my sister and I. My father left when I was very very young. Not sure how young but young enough where I can't remember a thing about him. My mother, well she never left permanently but she was just a visitor. I knew she was my mother but when it came down to it, I really loved my Grandma and she gave me everything my mother couldn't. When I needed that emotional support she was the one I wanted.
Growing up I was a problem child. I had anger issues and wasn't afraid to let them out. I was a BRAT and gave my poor Grandma hell. If I didn't get what I wanted then I screamed, hollered threw myself on the ground, I did the whole bit. Thinking about it now I am so thankful my kids aren't even a bit like me. No matter how frustrated my Grandma got, she always told me I love you and I want you. She always just held me and hugged me for hours until I calmed down. Yes there were times where she couldn't handle it and then that's where Grandpa came in. I was afraid of him, well him and the beaded belt. My Grandma would say wait until I tell your Grandpa. Then I would get even more crazy.Whatever I flipped out about was forgotten and a new fit started. Please don't tell him, I hate you, I love you, please don't tell him. One day it was really bad and my Grandma got in the van to drive to his work. I was so upset I jumped on the back of the van and held on the back end. She just kept going, very slowly though. Then halfway down the road one of the neighbors stopped us to tell her that I was on the back of the van and she said she knew. I think that was one of the few times she really took a switch to me. I could now just feel her embarrassment. Later that night I heard my Grandpa come in and he had the beaded belt. I thought I used to outsmart him by wearing two pairs of jeans to bed but no matter what it still hurt.
I remember this one time we went to Lewiston for the day. It was a hour drive away but we usually made a day trip out of it. We went to this store Big V and I saw this little light up yo yo. I wanted it to so bad and told my Grandma I wanted it. Of course she said no and then the big fit started. I threw myself on the ground and screamed and hollered. She finally got me out of the store and was trying to get me into the van. My Grandpa was there but he couldn't even get me to stop. I just screamed and hollered even more. Then we took off and about a block down we got pulled over. I guess someone in the parking lot thought they were trying to kidnap me and called the cops. Yeah that was pretty bad. Kind of the like the time I flipped out in San Francisco because I wanted this huge bag of ladybugs. Must have been thousands in this little netted bag and to this day I don't know what I was planning on doing with them. I guess just the thought of a million ladybugs in this bag was awesome. So I pretty much gave my grandparents hell growing up, but they were the best. They never told me they never wanted me, they just kind of took it and loved me.
My mother though, once I wore her out I was shipped back to my Grandparents. No matter what time of day it was though, they would be on the road coming to get me. Sometimes they would show up 4,5 in the morning and after I was all packed up we would head out and get some breakfast. Distance and time was never a factor to my grandparents. It hurts me to know that that's the biggest challenge for me. I wish I was more like them and could just drop my life and be there for them. I mean my Grandparents worked, had lives but they were always there for me, no matter what. I just recently lost my Grandma and the feelings from that I don't know if I will ever recover from it.
My Grandma had been sick on and off for the last 10 yrs, maybe even longer. When I turned 18 I left for college and after I dropped out I moved around with my boyfriend. Then about 5 years ago I moved to California, which is about 15 hours away driving. The last couple years were hard. My grandma had dementia but we never really knew how bad it was. Just Grandma didn't remember a lot of things and then eventually she got so bad that she needed round the clock help. She was in and out of hospitals and rehab centers. Eventually in the end she was placed in a nursing home. I had so much guilt over, should I move home so she can be home. That was the thing no matter how much she didn't remember, she always knew she wanted to go home. Then I got a call saying she had a seizer, later that day she was in a coma and then we were playing the waiting game. When and if she was going to wake up. I just remember sitting at home, full of fear and wishing I was home. Then things over the phone started getting confusing, i kept hearing conflicting stories and that was it. I decided to fly home and be with her, I was scared it would be one of the last times I saw her alive. I didn't want to wait for that phone call saying she already passed. So the day I arrive I found out she was being sent home. My sister and Grandfather made the decision to bring her home and let her spend her last days at home.
When I got there I was so nervous. They were checking her vitals and getting her cleaned up so I wasn't able to go in right away. Those five minutes were the longest time of my whole entire trip. I just wanted to go in and see her. When I went in she was just laying there. I was scared to see her like that and when I went up to say hi and kiss her she looked at me. I was so happy to see her awake. Then she was awake almost the whole entire night. She never really responded to anyone or talked. In the middle of the night though she woke up and started trying to say some things. I asked her if she was ok and she tried saying ok. It was so heartbreaking to see and hear her like that. She was awake though and I kept thinking maybe she would just recover like she usually did. They kept her in the hospital another day so we could moniter her progress but she never really recovered so we decided to bring her home like we wanted to. We knew once she was home this was it. She wasn't eating or drinking anything and once we took her off of her IV it was just a waiting game.
The day came and they were loading her off of the ambulance. That was the scariest moment because then that meant it was real. She was really going to die and it was going to happen soon. I just kept thinking she was going to recover and this was just a scary dream. Then we got her settled in and it was up to us to make her comfortable. My two sisters and my mom were there. Later on my other aunt and uncles came. We all slept in shifts and made sure someone was always with her. It was hard figuring out what to do and what actions we needed to take. All I can say is the stress and tension was something I never experienced before. I really needed my sisters through this and they helped me out so much. My younger sister though, wow she was something else. I heard bringing a loved home to die was one of the hardest things for a family and sometimes it can tear a family apart. I thought a few times there we were gonna start brawling it out but my sister she just had a way with her words. The prayers that were coming out of her, was like God speaking through her. She kept us together through the hardest and most difficult times. My older sister she had the strength. She was the one that made the decisions that we should bring her home. It must have been the scariest decision to make but she made it and we all backed her up.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
My Story
What is the meaning of life? Is it happiness, is it fulfillment? I have no clue what it really means. I guess to me, it means just living. I'm not the type of person that strives for real fulfillment, I just live. In a way that seems so depressing and I think that is why I am depressed. I never thought the way you look at life is the way you live it also. I think all the time how my life can be. If I finished my education, what if I waited on kids and how my life in Idaho would be different. Just because I think it doesn't mean my life is any different. I guess I don't have that gusto to make what I think actually happen. Reminds me of that Twilight Zone Episode where this boy can make anything he imagines come true. I suppose if everything you thought came true then it wouldn't be that cool and that's why its on the Twilight Zone. How would you be able to decipher what thoughts come true and what wouldn't?
So how is the action to better yourself come around? I would really like to know. I am a stay at home mom of four. I never finished college and would like to go back but that's one of those actions to better myself but I just don't, for some reason. That's one big disappointment in my life but how different would I be. I was going to school to become a Veterinarian but didn't get that far into it. I got some core classes out of the way but the rest got engulfed in my need to party. I always brag about my first year of college, of course because my second year didn't go that well. I got great grades and lived the normal college life. Lived in the dorms, went to class, ate in the cafeteria. Occasionally go out with my friends but even then I was somewhat bummed. I wasn't all that outgoing so I primarily stuck to my friends from high school and they weren't the type to go out and get in trouble. I guess that's why I did so well in school.
I had fun though. I loved school and yeah sometimes it was a pain to study but getting those good grades felt great. Eventually I started meeting people in my classes but not get close enough to hang out afterwards. I wish I was one of those people that just put themselves out there. I never have been, I always seem to over analyse and second think myself. I have low self esteem so I always feel as though why would they want to hang out with me and how boring I am, which then makes me seem awkward. So then in the end I just shut down and that's that, unless I meet that one person who just seems to talk and talk. I love these people since I don't have to say much and they do all the talking. I really suck at the small talk, I mean really horrible, to the point where its just embarrassing. So when I meet someone like my husband, who can talk about grass and make it seem like the most interesting topic in the world, I feel comfortable.
The first time I met him was in college. It wasn't the greatest story but its our story. We didn't meet in class or even on compass. We met through a mutual friend. Now this was during my second year in college, so we met through a mutual drinking buddy. How to even begin. I guess from the very beginning would make the most sense. By this time I moved out of the dorms and moved into my very first apartment with my sister. It was all about keg parties, hump day and friends. School for me at this point took a back burner to all this fun. I never had a life like this and it was fun. We met lots of people and had the coolest neighbors. This felt like college. My sister found some people who knew where all the parties were so we had a party to go to every night. Then she found the ultimate party girl and the parties started showing up at our house. So it was pretty crazy during those days.
I met this girl from another girl and she was really outgoing. Like I said that's the type of friends I like, so she started asking me to do things with her and her crew. I was underage at this time so it was hard for me to hang out with her all the time. They liked to go to bars and weren't into the house parties since they were older. I used my sister's ID,since she was 21 but I always thought we never looked that much alike. She was thinner and a lot prettier, but everyone said we looked alike anyway.
One night this friend called up and wanted to go bowling. I first said yes but then started worrying since my sister was working and I couldn't use her ID. By the time they showed up I didn't want to go so when they knocked on my door I didn't answer. Find out later it was my future husband knocking on my door. Then they went to my sister's job and asked her to call me. Pushy but it got me to go with them. We went to the bowling alley and that's my first meeting with my husband. He was drunk and wasn't the least interested in bowling. He was all about his drink and his cigarettes. Every time it was his turn we had to go find him and make him bowl. He would come over, grab a ball and without really looking just throw it down the alley. Before it could even touch the pins he was gone to smoke another cigarette. We knew how drunk he was when he threw the ball and it landed in the other lane next to us. Then the second throw he broke our alley. Not really sure how he managed that but we decided to leave by then.
We go back to our friend's house and continued to party there. Of course he was outside most of the time so I wasn't able to really talk to him. Then I wanted a cigarette and decided to ask him for one since it seems like he had a never ending pack. That guy smoked like a chimney. So I wander outside and ask him for one. He was nice and really outgoing. Loved to talk and we got along pretty good. So I sat out there with him and after awhile I started to get cold. Then he did what any other charming drunk guy does, offered me his jacket. I guess this is what got my attention, I mean the guy had to redeem himself since he made such a fool out of himself bowling. Somehow though he did end up coming home with me. I think the excuse was you walk me home and I would give him a ride to Spokane the next day. Spokane is may be a 2 hour drive and he was flying out the next morning. I figured since it was so late and I really wasn't looking forward to the walk back to my house alone. He lived maybe a block away so it would work out. I was pretty drunk myself so I didn't really think of how I was going to get up myself and at this point I wasn't really concerned with holding up my side of the bargain. So by the time we get to his room, I try ditching him there. He was not as drunk as I thought since he wouldn't let me leave, he knew if I left him there I wouldn't give him a ride in the morning. Well thats how he explained it later on and we've been together ever since.
He still is my best friend and we still get along pretty good. He is the only person that I feel really comfortable with and can be myself, well other than family.
So how is the action to better yourself come around? I would really like to know. I am a stay at home mom of four. I never finished college and would like to go back but that's one of those actions to better myself but I just don't, for some reason. That's one big disappointment in my life but how different would I be. I was going to school to become a Veterinarian but didn't get that far into it. I got some core classes out of the way but the rest got engulfed in my need to party. I always brag about my first year of college, of course because my second year didn't go that well. I got great grades and lived the normal college life. Lived in the dorms, went to class, ate in the cafeteria. Occasionally go out with my friends but even then I was somewhat bummed. I wasn't all that outgoing so I primarily stuck to my friends from high school and they weren't the type to go out and get in trouble. I guess that's why I did so well in school.
I had fun though. I loved school and yeah sometimes it was a pain to study but getting those good grades felt great. Eventually I started meeting people in my classes but not get close enough to hang out afterwards. I wish I was one of those people that just put themselves out there. I never have been, I always seem to over analyse and second think myself. I have low self esteem so I always feel as though why would they want to hang out with me and how boring I am, which then makes me seem awkward. So then in the end I just shut down and that's that, unless I meet that one person who just seems to talk and talk. I love these people since I don't have to say much and they do all the talking. I really suck at the small talk, I mean really horrible, to the point where its just embarrassing. So when I meet someone like my husband, who can talk about grass and make it seem like the most interesting topic in the world, I feel comfortable.
The first time I met him was in college. It wasn't the greatest story but its our story. We didn't meet in class or even on compass. We met through a mutual friend. Now this was during my second year in college, so we met through a mutual drinking buddy. How to even begin. I guess from the very beginning would make the most sense. By this time I moved out of the dorms and moved into my very first apartment with my sister. It was all about keg parties, hump day and friends. School for me at this point took a back burner to all this fun. I never had a life like this and it was fun. We met lots of people and had the coolest neighbors. This felt like college. My sister found some people who knew where all the parties were so we had a party to go to every night. Then she found the ultimate party girl and the parties started showing up at our house. So it was pretty crazy during those days.
I met this girl from another girl and she was really outgoing. Like I said that's the type of friends I like, so she started asking me to do things with her and her crew. I was underage at this time so it was hard for me to hang out with her all the time. They liked to go to bars and weren't into the house parties since they were older. I used my sister's ID,since she was 21 but I always thought we never looked that much alike. She was thinner and a lot prettier, but everyone said we looked alike anyway.
One night this friend called up and wanted to go bowling. I first said yes but then started worrying since my sister was working and I couldn't use her ID. By the time they showed up I didn't want to go so when they knocked on my door I didn't answer. Find out later it was my future husband knocking on my door. Then they went to my sister's job and asked her to call me. Pushy but it got me to go with them. We went to the bowling alley and that's my first meeting with my husband. He was drunk and wasn't the least interested in bowling. He was all about his drink and his cigarettes. Every time it was his turn we had to go find him and make him bowl. He would come over, grab a ball and without really looking just throw it down the alley. Before it could even touch the pins he was gone to smoke another cigarette. We knew how drunk he was when he threw the ball and it landed in the other lane next to us. Then the second throw he broke our alley. Not really sure how he managed that but we decided to leave by then.
We go back to our friend's house and continued to party there. Of course he was outside most of the time so I wasn't able to really talk to him. Then I wanted a cigarette and decided to ask him for one since it seems like he had a never ending pack. That guy smoked like a chimney. So I wander outside and ask him for one. He was nice and really outgoing. Loved to talk and we got along pretty good. So I sat out there with him and after awhile I started to get cold. Then he did what any other charming drunk guy does, offered me his jacket. I guess this is what got my attention, I mean the guy had to redeem himself since he made such a fool out of himself bowling. Somehow though he did end up coming home with me. I think the excuse was you walk me home and I would give him a ride to Spokane the next day. Spokane is may be a 2 hour drive and he was flying out the next morning. I figured since it was so late and I really wasn't looking forward to the walk back to my house alone. He lived maybe a block away so it would work out. I was pretty drunk myself so I didn't really think of how I was going to get up myself and at this point I wasn't really concerned with holding up my side of the bargain. So by the time we get to his room, I try ditching him there. He was not as drunk as I thought since he wouldn't let me leave, he knew if I left him there I wouldn't give him a ride in the morning. Well thats how he explained it later on and we've been together ever since.
He still is my best friend and we still get along pretty good. He is the only person that I feel really comfortable with and can be myself, well other than family.
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